Reese Guthrie's Witness Testimony I am have been an Addict, Narcissist and Predator and I am now choosing Healing and Rectification.
I have been going through healing on every level of my life. This work has taught me and given me the tools to own my own life and my choices.
There has been a lot of work in order for me to be able to feel my genuine feelings, how to ground myself, reconnect with my body, to recognize my own knowing and intuition, to love all parts of myself and what I have lived, especially the parts that seemed dark and wicked. For the first time since I was a little kid I am starting to occasionally feel at home in my body.
Like a lot of people I put up a false front to protect myself. Karen asked me to go back into my childhood and feel when I had moved out of my authentic self. I felt back and realized I had consciously created a persona around 11 years old. This mask and personality was so complete I literally changed everything about myself.
I did this to try to live up to the expectations of my environment so I could feel safe and accepted. It didn't really work. In this healing process, as we have worked together, I saw how my persona was totally opposite of my natural personality. My real self was forgotten. And I was in a constant state of fear, which stemmed from the feeling I would be exposed, my persona mask would be seen.
As a child I had a sensitive and big ego which became narcissistic. This became more intense as I grew older.
I had gone to therapy and been counseled by a variety of professionals, but because of the ways I had learned to hide and protect my dysfunction, it was difficult for anyone to help or detect what my actual issues were. I was good at spinning, distorting and sounding healthy and spiritual. Like I did everywhere else in my life I presented what I thought a therapist or spiritual leader wanted to hear. My deep wounds, traumas and games remained unhealed.
Karen has walked me through deep healing of anorexia, PTSD, and currently some levels of my narcissism, predatory behavior and addiction. I say some of my narcissism, because I still operate as a narcissist, but I have actually felt real genuine feelings at times, even feeling bad at what I have done. This is a miracle. I had even become somewhat evil. Opening myself up to evil energy and getting off on the false power I felt.
There has also been some healing in the area of my addiction. Before working with Karen I had become a full throttle attention addict. I had moved into sexual addiction and stalking. I have learned how to heal the cravings, develop coping strategies and understand why I became an addict in the first place.
She has been guiding me into seeing my narcissism, addiction, wounds, trauma, anorexia, PTSD symptoms, and dark parts of myself, teaching me how to love and own them.
This healing is simple and unprecedented. Learning to love whatever is in your life, especially the parts that feel dark and wrong. And not in a rigid way of pretending you love something when you don’t, but loving whatever is here. If I hate this part of me, then the healing is to love and accept my hatred. I have learned this is where I can start. Just be wherever I am, whatever that is. I have always tried to be something or somewhere else.
This process has enabled me to feel my real self a bit. I have learned there is no arrival that is my narcissist ego leading whenever I feel I have arrived. Healing is a process. I am learning that my authentic self is enough. And I can be that with other people and they don't have to approve or like me. This doesn't mean my way is wrong.
The truth is I am alive because of Karen's intervention and healing. And my adult children are also alive and have made better lives for themselves because of Karen's intervention. I am working on sharing about the life saving and changing events from a deeply grounded place and will update my testimony. There is so much to share and I am still learning how to share without getting into narcissism or high off of what I contribute.
For years I wanted to commit suicide and was at the edge of doing so often throughout my life. No one knew, not even my children I kept all of this hidden except writing about wanting to die and kill myself in the many journals I used to have. One of my son's has also given a testimonial in honor of Karen's work with him on the night he was suicidal.