This page needs to be edited. Change "we" to "I". Add "In codependence" to the beginning of each statement.
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In codependence I feel that talking honestly and freely about a problem or situation might be too much for my loved ones. I fear that speaking honestly about my feelings and perspectives could drive a wedge, or push loved ones away.
Could this mean speaking honestly is actually too much for me? Might this be our fear that my loved ones could have a reaction I cannot cope with or manage? What if their reaction causes our arrangement here to begin to unravel? Neither of us has been completely honest, so if we actually try to speak truth now, it could be used against us. If I suddenly get honest, I may be violating unspoken agreements between us, and feel badly about it. My loved ones are probably doing the same dance . . . not being truthful about areas of themselves and our relationship, and if they are suddenly truthful, I may feel violated or betrayed.
In healthy relationship, I insist on speaking the truth. I insist my voice be heard, as well as my loved ones'. I am not playing games with them. We are both walking with integrity, with the intention to speak and hear truth. Even if we have to agree to disagree, then so be it. We will have at least heard each other or tried to do so.
Could this mean speaking honestly is actually too much for me? Might this be our fear that my loved ones could have a reaction I cannot cope with or manage? What if their reaction causes our arrangement here to begin to unravel? Neither of us has been completely honest, so if we actually try to speak truth now, it could be used against us. If I suddenly get honest, I may be violating unspoken agreements between us, and feel badly about it. My loved ones are probably doing the same dance . . . not being truthful about areas of themselves and our relationship, and if they are suddenly truthful, I may feel violated or betrayed.
In healthy relationship, I insist on speaking the truth. I insist my voice be heard, as well as my loved ones'. I am not playing games with them. We are both walking with integrity, with the intention to speak and hear truth. Even if we have to agree to disagree, then so be it. We will have at least heard each other or tried to do so.
In codependence I believe the relationship will make it if I can manage all these variables the right way.
Worrying about whether a relationship will make it can be a dysfunctional waste of energy. Outcomes are not my business. In healthy relationships what matters is the quality: the integrity and honesty, that we both show up in our fullness and our uniqueness. All parts of our authentic selves get to be present. If we don't make it within these parameters, then we are not meant to make it. It does not matter. By this we mean there is nothing we should have done differently or better to make this relationship work. It will work if it is meant to. I can let go and relax into things. The important thing is to be real, to be myself.
Healthy relationships are about having free will to show up in our own, unique, authentic way, and speak our own unique truth, perspective, and intuition. The idea of trying to manage where and how it goes becomes dysfunctional.
On the other hand, I can say, "Hey, I need to honestly talk to you about this. I don't like it. We have a problem." This is not managing, but addressing things openly which is clean and life-giving. Having open communication and wanting to really hear each other is healthy. Managing generally ends up being dysfunctional, dishonoring to self and others. Managing tries to create outcomes, with the tendency to feel like I know how things should be going. This is the opposite of being in free-flow and allowing each other to show up as we are. The beauty of healthy interactions is that they allow the natural elements of relationship to take their course.
Worrying about whether a relationship will make it can be a dysfunctional waste of energy. Outcomes are not my business. In healthy relationships what matters is the quality: the integrity and honesty, that we both show up in our fullness and our uniqueness. All parts of our authentic selves get to be present. If we don't make it within these parameters, then we are not meant to make it. It does not matter. By this we mean there is nothing we should have done differently or better to make this relationship work. It will work if it is meant to. I can let go and relax into things. The important thing is to be real, to be myself.
Healthy relationships are about having free will to show up in our own, unique, authentic way, and speak our own unique truth, perspective, and intuition. The idea of trying to manage where and how it goes becomes dysfunctional.
On the other hand, I can say, "Hey, I need to honestly talk to you about this. I don't like it. We have a problem." This is not managing, but addressing things openly which is clean and life-giving. Having open communication and wanting to really hear each other is healthy. Managing generally ends up being dysfunctional, dishonoring to self and others. Managing tries to create outcomes, with the tendency to feel like I know how things should be going. This is the opposite of being in free-flow and allowing each other to show up as we are. The beauty of healthy interactions is that they allow the natural elements of relationship to take their course.
In codependence, when I see and feel something within the relationship that seems too big to deal with, I tend not to talk or think about it. I may distract myself so I don't have to see it.
In healthy relationships something that feels big or impossible is usually seen as an opportunity. This is an opening for change, for healing, and a chance to reach intimacy at a deeper level. Even though I may not know what to do with this, my intention is to see, feel, and address the issue, understanding this problem is an opportunity for both of us to grow and deepen. Who knows where this opportunity will take us and what will unfold? What I do know is something new is going to occur, something that needs to happen. By the very nature that this issue is here, that means it is needed.
In codependence I tell myself I am being patient, tolerant, and committed by not confronting these big problems and issues.
This can be a self-con. I can feel virtuous and get a lot of kudos from other codependent, dysfunctional people for putting up with all kinds of unaccountable behavior, dysfunction, or even abuse . . . for being long-suffering. Could it be that I do not confront because I am afraid everything is going to fall apart? Am I afraid I could lose too much? Perhaps patience, commitment, and virtue are not the driving forces.
In healthy relationship I do not need to avoid things. When we have open, truthful communication, authenticity, integrity, and the real intention to seek understanding and clarity, avoidance is not necessary.
In healthy relationships something that feels big or impossible is usually seen as an opportunity. This is an opening for change, for healing, and a chance to reach intimacy at a deeper level. Even though I may not know what to do with this, my intention is to see, feel, and address the issue, understanding this problem is an opportunity for both of us to grow and deepen. Who knows where this opportunity will take us and what will unfold? What I do know is something new is going to occur, something that needs to happen. By the very nature that this issue is here, that means it is needed.
In codependence I tell myself I am being patient, tolerant, and committed by not confronting these big problems and issues.
This can be a self-con. I can feel virtuous and get a lot of kudos from other codependent, dysfunctional people for putting up with all kinds of unaccountable behavior, dysfunction, or even abuse . . . for being long-suffering. Could it be that I do not confront because I am afraid everything is going to fall apart? Am I afraid I could lose too much? Perhaps patience, commitment, and virtue are not the driving forces.
In healthy relationship I do not need to avoid things. When we have open, truthful communication, authenticity, integrity, and the real intention to seek understanding and clarity, avoidance is not necessary.
In codependence, I may tell myself these things will sort themselves out in the future, somehow.
This is how distortions can show up in my thinking, convincing myself that things will work out somehow, especially big things, without any intervention on my part. Perhaps I tell myself I have said a few things about the problem or issue and that's enough. It will get better. But I have not fully addressed it. If I cannot be honest, and hold firm about what I see, then I am still distorting, avoiding, and preventing healing. Speaking part of the truth, or not holding to the truth is not usually effective. I am speaking up and then running back and hiding. This does not allow the deep change or transformation wanting to happen. Instead of planting seeds of change, I am creating a dynamic where my loved ones do not have to take me seriously. They can sense I am not going to take a stand and hold to it. They tend to feel like they do not have to respect what I am saying or doing, since they instinctively feel I will back down and go into hiding.
For example, if I have a loved one with an active addiction, telling him or her she has an addiction and I want them to get help is a needed first step. But it is most likely not enough. To deal with this issue, and not be complicit, I need to hold to my truth about the addiction, how it is impacting my life, and how it is showing up. I will need to see the ways I am being complicit, through my enabling or my silence, and concrete changes made in response. Clear and firm boundaries need to be laid down, and held to, even if this seems to cause things to fall apart. Remember: if things fall apart because I am truthful, because I hold to my integrity, then they need to fall apart. A death and rebirth cycle is trying to unfold.
To have healthy relationship, I need to learn to live and walk in my integrity and truth. Partial truth-telling may alleviate some of my inner tension, letting me feel like I am having integrity, or that I am dealing with things, when I am still hiding and managing a great deal, and avoiding the real meat of the situation.
That said, telling some of the truth can be a needed and healthy first step, especially if I am not used to speaking my truth for the most part. If I am willing to keep walking into my truth and listening to my own guidance, this is the door into finding myself and my inner power.
This is how distortions can show up in my thinking, convincing myself that things will work out somehow, especially big things, without any intervention on my part. Perhaps I tell myself I have said a few things about the problem or issue and that's enough. It will get better. But I have not fully addressed it. If I cannot be honest, and hold firm about what I see, then I am still distorting, avoiding, and preventing healing. Speaking part of the truth, or not holding to the truth is not usually effective. I am speaking up and then running back and hiding. This does not allow the deep change or transformation wanting to happen. Instead of planting seeds of change, I am creating a dynamic where my loved ones do not have to take me seriously. They can sense I am not going to take a stand and hold to it. They tend to feel like they do not have to respect what I am saying or doing, since they instinctively feel I will back down and go into hiding.
For example, if I have a loved one with an active addiction, telling him or her she has an addiction and I want them to get help is a needed first step. But it is most likely not enough. To deal with this issue, and not be complicit, I need to hold to my truth about the addiction, how it is impacting my life, and how it is showing up. I will need to see the ways I am being complicit, through my enabling or my silence, and concrete changes made in response. Clear and firm boundaries need to be laid down, and held to, even if this seems to cause things to fall apart. Remember: if things fall apart because I am truthful, because I hold to my integrity, then they need to fall apart. A death and rebirth cycle is trying to unfold.
To have healthy relationship, I need to learn to live and walk in my integrity and truth. Partial truth-telling may alleviate some of my inner tension, letting me feel like I am having integrity, or that I am dealing with things, when I am still hiding and managing a great deal, and avoiding the real meat of the situation.
That said, telling some of the truth can be a needed and healthy first step, especially if I am not used to speaking my truth for the most part. If I am willing to keep walking into my truth and listening to my own guidance, this is the door into finding myself and my inner power.
Do I tend to believe that loving means helping each other feel good about ourselves and our lives all the time? Do I encourage and support my loved ones to go into their darker emotions when needed? Do I allow my loved ones and myself to fully grieve or say goodbye? Do I embrace my full range of emotions as a natural part of living?
A common distortion about love is that it means helping my loved ones feel good about themselves most of the time, even at the cost of not embracing their darker emotions that are already present, and needing to be felt. There are times when all of us need to feel and process the heavier aspects of life. These emotions are a real and integral part of the human experience. I gift myself and my loved ones by offering my support to help them deal with difficult, negative feelings. These feelings are a natural part of life, not interruptions or aberrations. Being able to honor our emotions is part of a balanced life, woven into the context of living and learning.
Often, when we do try to help our loved ones feel their adverse emotions, there tends to be an unspoken limitation on how far, how long, and how much we can support them in those places, before we think they should be done. That being said, there needs to be balance in our lives, including the processing of our heavier feelings such as grief, anger, loss, turmoil, and major life changes. This is not a call to allow people to exploit and use these real experiences to get control or manipulate others. Balance and discernment are always needed. If we are willing to see what is needed in any given situation, if we are open to whatever is showing up in our lives, and following our guidance, inner truth, and knowing, we are then able to go wherever we need to go and do whatever we need to do. Using our discernment we can sense when to support and encourage, when to set a boundary, and when to help someone walk through the depths of their darker emotions.
A common distortion about love is that it means helping my loved ones feel good about themselves most of the time, even at the cost of not embracing their darker emotions that are already present, and needing to be felt. There are times when all of us need to feel and process the heavier aspects of life. These emotions are a real and integral part of the human experience. I gift myself and my loved ones by offering my support to help them deal with difficult, negative feelings. These feelings are a natural part of life, not interruptions or aberrations. Being able to honor our emotions is part of a balanced life, woven into the context of living and learning.
Often, when we do try to help our loved ones feel their adverse emotions, there tends to be an unspoken limitation on how far, how long, and how much we can support them in those places, before we think they should be done. That being said, there needs to be balance in our lives, including the processing of our heavier feelings such as grief, anger, loss, turmoil, and major life changes. This is not a call to allow people to exploit and use these real experiences to get control or manipulate others. Balance and discernment are always needed. If we are willing to see what is needed in any given situation, if we are open to whatever is showing up in our lives, and following our guidance, inner truth, and knowing, we are then able to go wherever we need to go and do whatever we need to do. Using our discernment we can sense when to support and encourage, when to set a boundary, and when to help someone walk through the depths of their darker emotions.
In codependence I may believe that confrontation isn't loving or effective when dealing with the issues of addiction, dysfunction, or abuse in my relationships.
Confrontation is powerful and necessary when dealing with addiction, dysfunction, and abuse. As stated earlier, being nice does not stop or change this kind of behavior. Unfortunately, it enables it.
Confrontation is powerful and necessary when dealing with addiction, dysfunction, and abuse. As stated earlier, being nice does not stop or change this kind of behavior. Unfortunately, it enables it.
We would like to honor and thank Reese's former professor for her valuable feedback in the formation of this article, which helped us find greater balance in our writing.
